Lost Dreaming (part 1)

More about Lost Dreaming (part 1)

I fear I am to little to late. Not only for myself, but for those I care for. I seek reciprocation in others and find that I don't have it within myself.

As long as I can remember I could put myself under immense pressure and through this pressure I could forge diamonds so to speak. These diamonds would come in the from of ideas, actions, feats that sometimes seem impossible.

This is what gave me and arrogance, and a overconfidence when it came to a potential partnerships. For a long time I diluted myself into a delusional thought process that could indeed forge diamonds at times. However is unbearable for any other person that would consider me to be a friend, or more.

I was domineering of myself and through this kept others to an unrealistic standard under the guise of keeping my expectations. This unhealthy pattern was most pronounced in my monastic treatment of money, and wealth.

I cared for it so little that it became some badge of honor. Now I start to realize the value of these partnerships and I know now the tyrant is me. I am really the worst in this way because what I have done is weaponize love, with this ill conceived approach.

I suppose it is a gluttony of self righteousness. On top of that my success to whatever degree you can call them that, have come at a very high price. It has caused me to reinforce this as an asset of my personality.

Pressure makes diamonds, so I became a pressure cooker that when faced with a challenge I could nearly always surmount it by putting myself and others through the ringer so to speak.

Now I realize this could never yield what I truly desire, an actually partnership in love. My dogged focus made me a one trick pony all to often. This coupled with my superiority complex allowed me disillusion of regarding how I treat wealth.

While I am correct in not allowing it to become an obsession, this was replaced by another obsession. The focus on its unimportance became a fixation and led me to a path of loss. I then used this as a twisted badge of honor, my poverty of wealth and thought gave my bed so to speak.

So I am here, at a loss. I know also that my old ways would then kick in I would tear myself down to the point of nothing and attempt to rebuild something better. This pattern is what I am a product of, and I fear I led myself down this path for to long to be redeemed.

I also know I could never ask another to follow me down this path, and it is twisted to attempt to force someone into this pattern. It is especially twisted to use love as some lure as an enticement.

This may seem odd due to it being obvious to outsiders, but this is how I have come to realize I am an selfish idiot.

I am picking up the parts now as quickly as I can, however I know these patterns are ingrained. The war with myself cannot continue so I can't build myself up under this level of conflict. I also could never have another truly trust me when this is how I am.