Alone In Infinity

More about Alone In Infinity

----------------------------------------
(continuation of previous post)

Analysing every single aspect of myself over and over again, every single second. The autistic pattern recognition and my nerdy love for a good puzzle got me hooked on trying to figure out why people seemed to be acting so weird around me. It's been like two years? Of waking up every day into a reality where I don't know where I stand. My hair started falling out, my skin and bones stopped healing, my fucking face changed shape because I started grinding my teeth in my sleep. And yes, I can tell that my face has changed shape because these are the tiny details I seem to be able to see that other people don't. Another thing that people don't believe when I tell them.

I'm tired, and I'm terrified of being stuck in this state of mind for the rest of my life. I know that not every odd behaviour that others around me do has something to do with all of this, but how am I supposed to know which ones are? So everything becomes a threat. I'm exhausted and I'm bored of it, and I'm desperately craving to have some space in my brain back. The space that's being taken up by every cough that I hear and every stupid baseball cap I see. The space that I could be using to finish my degree with the grades that I'm actually capable of. The space that can be explored to find useful ways to alter my perceptions and uncover hidden aspects of consciousness, which has become a bit of a hobby I guess.

I've been able to take hold of brief moments and learn about myself and my interests, before this thought infection overrides this processing and I have to calm down and start again. But in these brief moments I have had some incredible insights and ideas, and I've learnt to allow myself to see what I really am capable of. It feels narcissistic to say it, but I truly believe that even my potential has potential and it really sucks to be wasting it playing video games all day to numb myself.

I only really express the doom and gloom side of it all to you because I'm bitter about it and you don't deserve to see the parts of me that I've strengthened and improved, but sometimes I wish that someone could. At least my mum is there for me, as much as she is capable. Our relationship has improved so much now that Mark isn't there to tell me that she doesn't love me. I love telling her about all the weird shit I'm learning about and she's been wanting to retire for a while and use her weird-ass brain for cool shit too, but she's still working to support me. I feel both infinitely grateful and guilty for this.

I feel the need to say all of this because of some deep desire to be understood and accepted for who I am. And if I don't say it, then it just bounces round in my head until it becomes resentment. I just want to put this behind me, to make the most of this life and be part of something weird and wonderful, whatever that might end up being. And maybe have a lil crow army too :)