The Cat Who Saw Too Much

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You ever notice humans invent problems just so they can solve them? It’s like a hobby. They look at a perfectly clean cat—cleaner than they are, by the way, because cats clean themselves for a living—and they say, “You know what this animal needs? A bath.” A bath! The one thing on Earth a cat would outlaw if it ever got elected to anything.

And humans can’t leave anything alone. No, no, no. They gotta decorate the torture. Rubber ducks. Bubble mountains. A smiling skeleton fish. Like the cat’s gonna look around and say, “Oh, well now that there’s a toy skull in here, I’m totally fine with being submerged in this giant porcelain death bowl.

Then they pretend the victim is enjoying it. “Look at him! He’s having the time of his life!” Yeah, sure. He’s so relaxed he’s planning your funeral. He’s memorizing your scent so he can haunt your laundry for the next six years.

And the best part? They call it love. Only humans could take a creature that hates water, dunk it in a tub, and call it affection. “I’m doing this because I care!” No, you’re doing it because you’re a human, and humans can’t stand the idea that something might be fine without their intervention.

The cat was fine. The cat was better than fine. But humans? Humans need to fix things that aren’t broken. And when they break them? They fix them again. It’s a whole cycle. Meanwhile the cat’s sitting there thinking, "I was born with the tools to clean myself".
You were born with the tools to ruin my day.