Dreams Overwrittten

More about Dreams Overwrittten

Does that make sense, does that explain anything you didn't already know? Does that explain the anxiety I get when I leave my house or walk past my window? The nauseating feeling that I could be being watched and assessed for something that I don't understand. Knowing that every time I leave my flat, there's a chance that someone will seem out of place and I wont have any control over that moment replaying over and over again in my head. My background processes comparing it to any potentially related memory, flicking through traumas like a rolodex. Sometimes I find a connection and I get mad because I don't want to think about it. Sometimes there's nothing, but the rolodex just keeps on flipping. Sometimes I can reframe it, make up a new narrative, convince myself that it was just a plain clothed security guard, or just a regular creepy dude. But I never truly know.

I know that this happened, but I don't know why and I don't know if it's over. The unknowns make me feel unsafe, and there's nothing I can do and nowhere I can go to get myself away from the situation. I'm craving the closure that could allow me to let go of the memories, the theories, the hypervigilance. The closure that could allow me to process, heal and rest, that could allow me to take my headphones off so I can stop destroying my ears and just listen to the birds for a while. The closure that could allow me to appropriately assess my surroundings for my general safety, without the fear of getting triggered. The closure that could allow me to walk and run again, without feeling so self-conscious or vulnerable. That could allow me to think freely and clearly about my life, my relationships, my interests, my goals and my future. The closure that would allow me to dream of my aspirations instead of this closure, and allow me to feel allowed to be alive.

I know I am entitled to nothing, but I want to at least have the chance to speak. So that you can gain a deeper insight on the impact you have had and could hopefully avoid having on others, and so that my behaviours might be slightly better understood.