The Vanishing Self: A Journey Through Mental Illness
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Prompt: When I finally lose my mind entirely, will all who love me now abandon me? Will others tell them that the person who remains is not the person they loved? Will I be tucked away in a padded room to be forgotten? Who will still be there? Is it me, or some new sentience? Does the mental illness eventually consume the mind and become the consciousness?
Prompt: The appeal of self-isolation increases with age. As each day passes, I can hear my garage call to me, louder and louder. To tinker. To make things no one wants. To take apart things that are broke just to see why they are broke. To carve and craft wood and metal. I know I should spend my time in many other ways. Perhaps, someday the behavior will seem more appropriate. As it stands now, it is just a place I sneak away to for a moment of solid. For relaxation that stretches my brain to its limits. I must create. I have no goal of fame nor fortune. Indeed, neither seem appealing. I just need to make things.
Prompt: Acclimation to pain and discomfort comes with time. The pain and discomfort are still real, and still seem to feel the same. The only change is your response both physically and mentally. When someone handles stress poorly or very well, either will make me wonder what level of familiarity that person has with stress. I don't think assumptions are good idea, but background consideration may be. Are they handling things well? Or have they had the burden of having to learn how to mask their emotional response due to overexposure?
Prompt: I am learning that I am not actually forgetful. Instead, it appears I am one of few people who truly remembers things. Through notes, videos, writings, I can confirm the past is as I remember it, and I remember it vividly. When talking to others, they seem to have a general and common misunderstanding of events. A rolling amnesia. Proving myself correct holds little value and changes no minds. What felt like intentional gas lighting now seems to be a genuine forgetfulness of reality, and adamant adhere to it. In the end, it leaves me feeling insane. Alone in a world, where I can prove what I'm saying, but am generally dismissed by all. Even if I were to get this message to someone, because I have at times with several individuals, by the next day they remember only the vaguest idea of it. A few days go by. Then nothing at all. I remain utterly alone. With the burden of being aware of it.
Prompt: The seventh angel poured out his bowl into the air, and out of the temple came a loud voice from the throne, saying, “It is done!” Then there came flashes of lightning, rumblings, peals of thunder and a severe earthquake. No earthquake like it has ever occurred since mankind has been on earth, so tremendous was the quake. The great city split into three parts, and the cities of the nations collapsed. God remembered Babylon the Great and gave her the cup filled with the wine of the fury of his wrath. Every island fled away and the mountains could not be found. From the sky huge hailstones, each weighing about a hundred pounds, fell on people. And they cursed God on account of the plague of hail, because the plague was so terrible.
Prompt: I looked, and I saw a windstorm coming out of the north—an immense cloud with flashing lightning and surrounded by brilliant light. The center of the fire looked like glowing metal, and in the fire was what looked like four living creatures. In appearance their form was human, but each of them had four faces and four wings. Their legs were straight; their feet were like those of a calf and gleamed like burnished bronze. Under their wings on their four sides they had human hands. All four of them had faces and wings, and the wings of one touched the wings of another. Each one went straight ahead; they did not turn as they moved. Their faces looked like this: Each of the four had the face of a human being, and on the right side each had the face of a lion, and on the left the face of an ox; each also had the face of an eagle. Such were their faces. They each had two wings spreading out upward, each wing touching that of the creature on either side; and each had two other wings covering its body. The appearance of the living creatures was like burning coals of fire or like torches. Fire moved back and forth among the creatures; it was bright, and lightning flashed out of it.
Prompt: The fifth angel poured out his bowl on the throne of the beast, and its kingdom was plunged into darkness. People gnawed their tongues in agony and cursed the God of heaven because of their pains and their sores, but they refused to repent of what they had done.
Prompt: It has been said, "if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you." If you scream into the abyss, can anything other than an echo come back? "He who fights with monsters should be careful lest he thereby becomes a monster." In a similar sense, as I struggle to be understood, am I losing the ability to understand others?
Prompt: February has been an apocalypse of snow. The terrible rat prophet in Pennsylvania has sealed our fates. Soon, there will be nothing. Only the snow.
Prompt: This experience had an effect of shattering my view of the world around me. My efforts to prove any point fell off sharply. Why bother? I had become disillusioned to reality around me. When situations would arise of this nature, I began to just refuse to engage in the debate.
Prompt: The second angel sounded his trumpet, and something like a huge mountain, all ablaze, was thrown into the sea. A third of the sea turned into blood, a third of the living creatures in the sea died, and a third of the ships were destroyed.
Prompt: I am not certain how, but I keep getting disappointed even without having real expectations. I have only the vaguest assumption that I should feel things. I will witness a social response commonly, and believe something should happen inside me to cause a similar reaction. Throughout my life, I keep finding that often nothing happens. Neither good nor bad. My therapist suggested that perhaps my expectations are set too high. I explained, I don't think it is odd to expect something more than nothing to happen in situations that evoke emotions in most all humans, from my observation. Others seem to judge my lack of reaction, so to some extent, I act. The problem comes when I don't recognize I was supposed to have a reaction, and others are put off by my neutrality.
Prompt: The seventh angel sounded his trumpet, and there were loud voices in heaven, which said: “The kingdom of the world has become the kingdom of our Lord and of his Messiah, and he will reign for ever and ever.” And the twenty-four elders, who were seated on their thrones before God, fell on their faces and worshiped God, saying: “We give thanks to you, Lord God Almighty, the One who is and who was, because you have taken your great power and have begun to reign. The nations were angry, and your wrath has come. The time has come for judging the dead, and for rewarding your servants the prophets and your people who revere your name, both great and small and for destroying those who destroy the earth.” Then God’s temple in heaven was opened, and within his temple was seen the ark of his covenant. And there came flashes of lightning, rumblings, peals of thunder, an earthquake and a severe hailstorm.
Prompt: I am learning that I am not actually forgetful. Instead, it appears I am one of few people who truly remembers things. Through notes, videos, writings, I can confirm the past is as I remember it, and I remember it vividly. When talking to others, they seem to have a general and common misunderstanding of events. A rolling amnesia. Proving myself correct holds little value and changes no minds. What felt like intentional gas lighting now seems to be a genuine forgetfulness of reality, and adamant adhere to it. In the end, it leaves me feeling insane. Alone in a world, where I can prove what I'm saying, but am generally dismissed by all. Even if I were to get this message to someone, because I have at times with several individuals, by the next day they remember only the vaguest idea of it. A few days go by. Then nothing at all. I remain utterly alone. With the burden of being aware of it.
Prompt: The fourth angel sounded his trumpet, and a third of the sun was struck, a third of the moon, and a third of the stars, so that a third of them turned dark. A third of the day was without light, and also a third of the night.
Prompt: However, I have noticed that the senses are sometimes deceptive; and it is a mark of prudence never to place our complete trust in those who have deceived us even once.
Prompt: The fifth angel poured out his bowl on the throne of the beast, and its kingdom was plunged into darkness. People gnawed their tongues in agony and cursed the God of heaven because of their pains and their sores, but they refused to repent of what they had done.
Prompt: I find some solace in reading old philosophy. Perhaps it is a form of coping. My perception is not by any means unique, nor something new to our generation. It just is something that some experience. Some people are burdened with curiosity and question life until they open a door they cannot close. It is irrelevant to time, language, or location.
Prompt: I am on a life long quest for answers. I carry the weight of knowing I will never have all the answers I seek. Clothed with the ambivalence of knowing that if I did somehow find those answers, they would only beget another question.
Prompt: And I saw an angel coming down out of heaven, having the key to the Abyss and holding in his hand a great chain. He seized the dragon, that ancient serpent, who is the devil, or Satan, and bound him for a thousand years. He threw him into the Abyss, and locked and sealed it over him, to keep him from deceiving the nations anymore until the thousand years were ended. After that, he must be set free for a short time.
Prompt: The phenomenon of dreams that seem to last weeks from my perception have returned. It is hard to feel rested when you wake after having been gone for a long time. It takes me a little while to resync with what is reality. What was a dream and what are real memories. I get to go on these interesting and surreal journeys to places that have never existed. When I awake after a long journey, I can be disoriented and not sure where I am. The mood of that journey can have reaching effects into my day. If it is traumatic, my day can be disrupted by the very real trauma endured by the mind.
Prompt: My mind is a cluttered ADHD mess. CycD oscillates my mood and opinion of being noticed or unnoticed. OCD makes me obsess. So, in the end, I think my brain is just doing what it is algorithmically most likely to do, and my rational concentrated mind is here on the sidelines telling all the voices to calm down. It’s like I'm running a highly sophisticated but chaotic committee, with my rational mind playing the exhausted chairperson, trying to maintain order amidst a room full of very enthusiastic—and occasionally disruptive—members.
Prompt: I looked, and I saw a windstorm coming out of the north—an immense cloud with flashing lightning and surrounded by brilliant light. The center of the fire looked like glowing metal, and in the fire was what looked like four living creatures. In appearance their form was human, but each of them had four faces and four wings. Their legs were straight; their feet were like those of a calf and gleamed like burnished bronze. Under their wings on their four sides they had human hands. All four of them had faces and wings, and the wings of one touched the wings of another. Each one went straight ahead; they did not turn as they moved. Their faces looked like this: Each of the four had the face of a human being, and on the right side each had the face of a lion, and on the left the face of an ox; each also had the face of an eagle. Such were their faces. They each had two wings spreading out upward, each wing touching that of the creature on either side; and each had two other wings covering its body. The appearance of the living creatures was like burning coals of fire or like torches. Fire moved back and forth among the creatures; it was bright, and lightning flashed out of it.
Prompt: Then I saw another mighty angel coming down from heaven. He was robed in a cloud, with a rainbow above his head; his face was like the sun, and his legs were like fiery pillars. He was holding a little scroll, which lay open in his hand. He planted his right foot on the sea and his left foot on the land, and he gave a loud shout like the roar of a lion. When he shouted, the voices of the seven thunders spoke. And when the seven thunders spoke, I was about to write; but I heard a voice from heaven say, “Seal up what the seven thunders have said and do not write it down.” Then the angel I had seen standing on the sea and on the land raised his right hand to heaven. And he swore by him who lives for ever and ever, who created the heavens and all that is in them, the earth and all that is in it, and the sea and all that is in it, and said, “There will be no more delay! But in the days when the seventh angel is about to sound his trumpet, the mystery of God will be accomplished, just as he announced to his servants the prophets.” Then the voice that I had heard from heaven spoke to me once more: “Go, take the scroll that lies open in the hand of the angel who is standing on the sea and on the land.” So I went to the angel and asked him to give me the little scroll. He said to me, “Take it and eat it. It will turn your stomach sour, but ‘in your mouth it will be as sweet as honey.” I took the little scroll from the angel’s hand and ate it. It tasted as sweet as honey in my mouth, but when I had eaten it, my stomach turned sour. Then I was told, “You must prophesy again about many peoples, nations, languages and kings.”
Dream Level: is increased each time when you "Go Deeper" into the dream. Each new level is harder to achieve and
takes more iterations than the one before.
Rare Deep Dream: is any dream which went deeper than level 6.
Deep Dream
You cannot go deeper into someone else's dream. You must create your own.
Deep Dream
Currently going deeper is available only for Deep Dreams.
